What is the job description of a friend? What role are they meant to play in one’s life? “Boyfriends come and go, but friends will always be by your side, standing close to comfort you through the tough times.” How is it possibly their problem, if one decides to do stupid things or is stuck in a bad spot? Why should they invest energy and time into a plummeting situation that does no good for anybody? If patience is what a certain task/phase/event demands, why is it the friends’ job to ‘handle’ the impatient one? “If this does not go well today, I need to know you will be there for me.” What the hell? I feel sad for those who have to “be there” for me – listen endlessly, with patience and no judgment, spending precious time in telling me something I need/want to hear. If tricky situations blur one’s rational thought, is it then the friend’s responsibility to wipe it clean? Towards what cause, to what end? What are the incentives at work here? In this big circus, where does family feature? Do we/should we expect the same from family? This entire system just seems massively unfair to me, and my brain is disagreeing to such dependence. If you have a problem, deal with it. Don’t waste other people’s time.

What happens when you have much to say, and no words to utter? When you’re feeling a ton of emotion, but cannot express it through speech? Your friends cannot understand what’s going through you, and it seems like your body seals all pathways out of itself. That’s when you wonder if we live to communicate, share and express; or to experience absolute emotions on our own. It gives me a high to think that I might know or feel something that is only within me; unspoken and undiluted. This reminds me of keeping secrets – is “being secretive” just an attempt at solo experience? That would be immediately labeled deeply selfish and ‘aloof’. What then, is ‘loneliness’? This cannot be a choice we make, for the word is soaked with sadness. Is there a positive word for aloneness? Are human beings fundamentally social animals or is it something that society slaps on us as we ‘grow’?

Too many questions.

I remember crying, many years ago, over a shoe-bite on my right toe; it was such a big deal – it hurt a lot and nobody seemed to care enough. Yesterday, walking as fast as I could demand from my body, I realized that my toe was bleeding; and only one thought came to my mind – “I don’t have time for such crap.” I kept walking, and this time, it didn’t hurt or bother me, and nobody else knew. I simply washed my feet later, and moved on. Is this what ‘growing up’ does to your life? Shows you the bigger problems that need dealing with, sets priorities so that you realize you’ve been petty your entire life? Manasi put it very well – “I cannot believe we’ve come down to this now – we can’t even have ten minutes of light conversation anymore – it’s all about the unresolved difficulties in life, the big picture, the goals and our directions.” I secretly like this state; feel like it has taken me a while to get here, but I’m here now, and I’ve earned it. I’m finally capable of a ‘mature’ conversation, opinion and direction – and I would much rather be here, today, than at any point back in time. This is why “getting older” doesn’t seem to scare me; 26 doesn’t scare me. It just makes me feel like I’ve come a long way, and have much longer to go.