Goodbyes have been murdered. This wretched technology has killed them - burnt the closure that a goodbye provides, the peace that departing hearts make with each other. It doesn’t allow us to accept that we are letting go, accept the finality of a time well spent. We simply let the edges between different periods of our life blur, moving on with an unquestioned incompleteness. Terrible.

The most accurate way of quantifying a woman’s wealth is by the size of the diamond ring she is wearing. Even her partner’s. In this time of fake watches and fake clothes, engagement diamonds seem to hold up the torch to establish the social order. I don’t like it.

“If a guy wants to call you, we will call you.” Lol. The clearest sentence ever.

I cannot believe it. How did I earn a place here? I now realize this place in the world always existed - the one I dreamed of, the one no one around me understood or believed. It was turned against me to deem me 'different'. This is neither a physical location nor a point in time. It is a realization. This very place, this temple – it cannot be explained. You have to be here to believe it. And I’m here ! Finally ! It seems like I always belonged here – in this dreamland of ideas, this soup of design. Aah. There is no pressure, no fear, no expectation : just the feeling of home. Home. Studio. Work. Nothing else seems more important – time, sleep or food – I am in peace. And awe. And it’s all worth it. Anything is worth this.

One of the top thoughts amounting to suicide, I read yesterday, is “If I died tomorrow, it wouldn’t matter to anyone anyway”. How about “I matter to me”? Isn’t that both capitalistic and warm at the same time? Isn’t what you do with your life, your own problem? Of course, there will be a massive drag of expectations, deviations in events and 'destiny’. But still, what you live for is your concern. The universe doesn’t give a shit. Why should anyone else? The will to live should be your own – if you kept looking to others for a reason to survive or excel or experience, you’ve got a problem. I am able to say this today, with the silent voices of two girls with me – they helped me realize and live the truth: to each, his own.

Love marriages are such a risky business. In fact, I think the whole concept of romantic love is a myth. A lie we want to believe, a story we want to have faith in. Is love as depressingly important to our faith as God? Maybe this is why we keep justifying the flaws in the theory – “falling in love is not the same as being in love”, “love is suffering”, “love is a test of our will and strength”. Nonsense. We should stop living life’s inevitabilities and ugliness in the name of romantic love. There is no such thing. There is only attraction and companionship – both explainable, both logical. Attraction is specific to a personality type, and companionship is a fundamental need of human existence. I highly doubt the truth in statements like “I cannot live with anyone else”, or “I will die without him”. Wake up.

“How did you manage that??”, I was asked when I updated a friend on the whole RCA story. It has been a long and tiring episode of my life, now that I think of it - starting from my guts to even think of applying to the RCA, the miracle of the portfolio, the journey halfway across the world to an interview, the successful admission that broke my heart, and finally, and most unbelievably, the scholarship. Man. I still cannot explain the portfolio! I know it didn’t just ‘happen’ – I worked hard, really hard for it. What I cannot swallow, though, is the drive, perseverance, patience, self-expectation, and grit. What was I thinking, going to the interview - knowing that I had no money for the course fees?? I think it was more a desperate attempt to continue to pursue a dream, more than my hope of achieving it. It never occurred to me, how I might work at the studio where I was interviewed – only thought of taking in as much as I could, never to return. It was the dream. It is the dream. I’m living it, and I’m desperately looking for someone to thank. Thinking of all this, I wondered how best to answer my friend’s question. Trying to put all the truth into a concise set of words, I replied, “I simply tried.”

Amitha was a beautiful discovery. At a beautiful time, in a beautiful place. It makes me smile to think I’ve caught up – at least to a point where I value her presence, opinions, and contrast in personality. The more I realize she is different from me, the more I am comfortable with her. Such reunions are rare – especially in today’s intricate web of uncertain life, location and priority. Experiences modify personality, and toward the same direction – no matter what the experience – to maturity and growth. The only question is – how far does one get, and at what point in his life? Do the relative positions of people mark their ‘achievement’ at any given instant?

“There are no rules, there is just life.”

I hate the new Mantri logo. It’s way too twisty – simply impossible to reproduce with your forefinger on your own arm. I mean, if it’s so stupidly difficult to draw even as you stare at it, how is one possibly going to register the mess as a memorable symbol? It annoys me to even think of drawing it. In a sharp contrast, think of the nike logo – genius.

I want a rib-crunching, 15-second hug. Now.

The world is not enough.

My mother says that hers’ is the generation that is sandwiched between the known, traditional past and the shockingly redefined future. In one generation, she says, we have moved from a point of utmost respect for the elderly – which granted them the power to run the household under their orders – straight down to the point where grandparents today are expected to take care of the kids and cook for their working daughters-in-law. She’s right. This is brand new, and whether or not we are in a position to judge the ‘correctness’ of this development – it is going to sustain. But then again, is hers’ the only generation to go completely off track from the previous and the known? What about my children? We grew up with Chitrahaar and Sukh Sagar – Coffee day and Pizza Hut was unknown and rare – and now, kids ten yrs younger are alien to me. If I struggle to understand college kids today, how am I ever going to handle priorities a whole generation ahead of me? God help us all.

Each conversation with Praveen is packed with powerful opinions, mind-blowing questions, and shocking facts. All in one. It’s like a session in self learning. I wonder if I could take more than a couple of hours with him – maybe too much to digest? Just the thought of him makes me want to get up and read, debate, define. He makes me want to know exactly what I’m saying, and think. Think! Aditya does that to me too, but there is one fundamental difference – I see disappointment in Aditya’s eyes – a feeling of a great let-down everytime we speak. And in Praveen’s, I see patience. Patience to let me grow, to let me make the mistakes, to let me reach higher, to let me have the time. Patience to accept that I am not there yet. I bet the roles would be reversed if Praveen was my brother and Aditya a friend. I find it strange that we take it upon us as responsibility to oversee the ‘growing up’ of siblings – to make sure they ‘reach their potential and equal the heights of achievement of family’. One can never escape the illustrious family – only try.

Is academics is an escape? Escape from the real problems, the true nature of the markets, demand and supply, survival and reality? Praveen told me, “ . . think of what kind of business you want to run – successful or good.” Why is the ‘real world’ enormously different from the expected trajectory of study? I know (if not understand) the working systems of the world today are just as fascinating – quirky, cunning, and ugly all at the same time. Aditya always says “Let the markets decide. The working of the system is both inevitable and logical. Everything happens for a reason.” Somewhere in between, our self-constructed ‘morals’ come and go – leaving us with choices that make us. The trick is to make the choice – to consciously understand its repercussions and projections. Well, that’s just the start!

Technology is the devil.

Happiness is an illusion. To keep shifting goals, to always want what you cannot have – isn’t that the reality of all human life? Isn’t that also the drive? What is the point of a monk’s life? Can ‘bliss’ be really achieved by letting go of all human wants? Then what?? How about letting the present make us smile as we live? I have started enjoying moments – in the real-time that we live and have control of – an effort to stop romanticizing the past and getting anxious about the future. Today is all we’ve got – find your moments. Maybe because I think at the end that is happiness.

Shifting cities and cutting through various sets of friends, I have become cynical – a non believer in the permanence of relationships. I am beginning to think it’s not a negative emotion either – I am not bitter – just at peace with the fact that things will be different, priorities will change, and people will move on. New is good. Are more friends better than good friends? It’s heroic to revolt at the thought, isn’t it? Whether or not we chose this reality, it is fairly accurate. Is friendship becoming synonymous with networking?

I can hear myself think again. It has been a long time.

“Stop chasing an impossibility”, I told myself 2 hours before the big party I was throwing to celebrate my RCA and scholarship victory. And as soon as I said the words, I realised I needed to hear them, if not for the first time then, at least 5 years ago. I do this to myself repeatedly – and unnecessarily – keep wanting the “perfectness” of every situation; I need to be able to let go. Because at the end, what matters is that the moment is enjoyable, and not ‘perfect’. I must prepare for my wedding – I can see it becoming the biggest‘event’ in my life I need to be ‘perfect’. At least I have the time !

Reading fiction can be addicting – a chance for an escape, an alternate universe – described by those whose livelihood depends on the skill of narration. Reality seems to feel dull and slow once you’re hooked.

Mismatched edges annoy me these days. “Why couldn’t it have a 6mm groove at the junction??!”, “..that ugly edge just has to go..”, “..a 15mm offset is simply unacceptable - WHAT were you thinking?!!”. Hehe.. it’s the RMA effect :)

I’m in Bangalore these days. ‘home’. No, I don’t feel it. Home is where the heart is, and that’s in Mumbai. I cannot understand why, but I would rather be in Mumbai than in Bangalore. Weird. Reverse home-sickness. She said it beautifully in the movie – “Everybody likes a city not because of its general character, but because of the presence of special people who make the experience unforgettable.” Can these special people be a collective? I cannot trace the existence of one single person who makes me love my Mumbai life – maybe it’s the absence of ‘those close ones’ and subsequently the acceptance that there is in fact, nobody. I’m completely on my own in Mumbai – and I love it. There are a hundred things to do, see, watch and view any given day. And the most important thing that I enjoy, I think, is the ability to roam around on my own – I don’t need a driver or an alarm clock – I can go wherever I want, till quite late into the night – I don’t have to beg someone else to help me do things I want to do. Yeah, I think that’s what I love most. Noone to continuously give updates to, noone to please. Only myself. I likes :)

Photoshoot, baby !

‘2 states’ is a good book to read one day before valentines’ day. It makes me think. Is it really all worth it, the massive family match making and the trouble? Would it simply not be easier to marry someone whose family is not the enemy? Honestly, I think it’s a logistical nightmare to live through a life of constant bickering and finger pointing. Of course, it’s not like there will be shortages of arguments, but what’s the harm in reducing the number? Shilpy asked me not to read the book for fear of depression, but it has been good food for thought. And it has contributed towards my tilting inclination towards arranged marriages.